Autumn is coming, and with it the settling in period at Finn’s Kinderkrippe (nursery school). I found the settling in period with Lily last year in Kindergarten immensely stressful, as she wasn’t dealing so well with it and I was constantly torn between the notion of having her “push through” and the instinct to take her and run.

Thankfully, she eventually settled really well and is now enjoying going to kindergarten very much! Finn has now started at nursery, and given his chill demeanour, we thought it would be a walk in the park – and yet it was a lot more challenging than I anticipated.

When I first left on day three, he was fine, but the next day he cried a little. Then came the weekend, and after the weekend it just deteriorated. Thanks to the wonderful staff there and a day of rest with no nursery, we were back on track by Thursday this week, and Friday he already stayed two hours without complaint.

Starting this settling in period, I told myself this time I would be chill and relaxed, I wouldn’t let it “get to me”, but I reckon having anxiety and also being their mother, not letting it get to me just isn’t that easy. The last week has been excruciatingly exhausting for me and my energy is completely depleted as I am writing this now, relaxed on my sofa with an autumnal fire playlist on YouTube and my husband conveniently snoring away with our daughter (he almost always falls asleep when putting her to bed).

When we are observant and reflective, we notice how much these “settling in” periods for our children can teach us about ourselves. The first thing it told me is that the mental load is heavily weighing on me a the moment and that my husband has to step up his game in the future. In preparation for Krippe, I crafted a “family book” for Finn with pictures of the people he loves most, as well as some tractors, diggers and other things he enjoys looking at. I also filled out the emergency sheet, coordinated the dates and times for the start, bought and labelled all the items he needs for nursery and spoke to the staff.

I asked my husband to fill out the sheet for the bank account details and buy socks with rubber pads for Finn. He forgot both.

I am not writing this post to shame my husband. He’s a tremendous father and husband – and yet, I cannot be surprised anymore why I constantly feel like my head is about to explode. The problem with the mental load is the act of responsibility, in my opinion. It’s not about doing or not doing something (I also forget a lot of things), but the fact of not even once thinking things might need to be done for nursery and inquiring about it. It’s about the feeling of having to remind him to buy socks in his lunch break, therefore never really being able to delegate a task and not think about it anymore.

But it’s more than that. The worries, the thinking and reflecting on how to tweak the settling in experience for Finn to make it better, lies solely with me. Partly because I am a worrier. My husband isn’t. He is just taking everything in stride, barely ever getting upset – that’s just who he is. And that is good (imagine we were both like me, that would be awfully stressful). And yet, it sometimes would feel nice to carry this burden together.

The second big notion I realised upon reflecting on Finn’s settling in period is my own anxiety towards this new start. For the last four years, I have been home with my babies, nurturing them every day, being there, being mum. Now, I am starting a new job, we’re all setting off for different things in the morning – and while I am immensely looking forward to this new chapter, it also really scares me. The thought of not having full control over what my children are exposed to, who gets to bear witness to their lives, it is intimidating. The notion that I am not just a stone’s throw away should something happen unsettles me inside – and yet, the notion that I will actually have TIME for appointments, get to work and have pockets of time for my own projects (apart from evenings where my husband fell asleep), is deeply deliberating, too.

You look forward to letting your children go until the moment you actually have to let go. We will never be in this little family bubble again. Us, secluded in our little corner of the world with no interference or outside influences. Time is truly fleeting and this mama just has to shed a few tears about her babies being so big already. Happy and sad tears.