It’s Wednesday night, the last day of April, and I’m feeling guilty. Again. Guilty for writing my April blog post on the last day of the month. Guilty that I haven’t prepared a great post for this month. Guilty for not doing more, being more, being more successful – as a mum, a writer, a dancer, a teacher … all of it.

April was very draining, to be honest. This year, my birthday fell on Good Saturday. Not ideal. I went out for drinks with friends on Friday, then had family over on Saturday before seeing all my family on Sunday for Easter, and then having a brunch with friends on Monday and afternoon coffee with the other grandparents. While each event of these was lovely and I enjoyed it, all together, it was just too much – for me, for the kids, for our family.

In all honesty, this Easter, albeit being really wonderful, has also highlighted again how stressful these holidays are becoming for me and my overwhelmed mind. To be fair, it doesn’t take a lot to overwhelm – or so I think. The truth is, I think most parents are handling so much that they have become insensitive to realising how much they’re actually doing every day (and night). For me, this has become one of the biggest issues in motherhood. Questioning all the time if I am the problem, or if it simply IS exhausting and it’s OK to be tired and burnt out (to some extent).

On top of that, the barrage of presents and Easter chocolate eggs our kids were bombarded with is just out of this world. I understand everyone wants to give something, but the amounts are just insane. We have three boxes choc-a-block with chocolate (pun intended), gummies and other lollies. I am not the strictest mum when it comes to sweets (perhaps because I had access to plenty of sweets in my childhood), but even I see that a three-year-old and a four-year-old cannot eat all of this (so, sadly, to protect my children, I had to sacrifice myself and eat their chocolate. I’ll pause here for my well-deserved applause).

On top of that, they received presents, big presents. Like, Christmas-style presents. In addition, where I live, there is something called “Gotlpack”, which means that the godparents (or life guardians, as I call them) give their protegees a little present. So that was on top of the Easter presents. And I am starting to feel almost resentful towards holidays because I know our house will be littered with big toys (for who could just give a book or something small?) that simply don’t fit into our 120 square metre apartment. I’ve actually started to “vet” what family members are getting under the pretence (though it’s not just a pretence) to make sure we don’t get the same thing.

I don’t want to be a control freak and “scare” the family when it comes to presents, but I just don’t know anymore what to do, and I am sure many parents feel the same. I literally get anxiety from an overcrowded, cluttered house full of junk toys, but my kids are now at an age where I cannot simply let the toys “disappear”. They know what they’ve got and demand to have it (which I understand). So I can either swallow my words and bring on a forced smile, or be the bad mum who doesn’t appreciate the big toy from the grandparents or friends and have an inconsolable child who thinks I’m mean (which I kind of am).

I wish this was a post about telling you what to do in this situation, not just a ramble about my own life situation, but sadly I don’t know what to do. I get that everyone wants to get them something and I want to appreciate it, but why does it have to be so much? When is is too much and I have to draw a boundary for my and my children’s sake?

The week after Easter was a disaster with Lily. She’s sensitive and she was so overwhelmed from all the family time, the presents, the sugar intake. I take responsibility for that, because I overbooked and didn’t set boundaries. On the second day of going back to kindergarten, she was so exhausted that she had a massive meltdown at drop-off. In a way that she hasn’t had since the beginning of kindergarten. Screaming, clinging to me, not letting go of me. I had to go to work and felt insanely guilty, knowing she would’ve needed some down days before returning to kindergarten.

(Can I just insert here how horrible Easter is break-wise? With Christmas you have all the extravaganza in the beginning and then a whole week after New Year’s to catch yourself. Easter ENDS with the extravaganza, that just sucks for everyone).

And you know what? Has the barrage of toys kept them busy for days on end? Not really. They ended up playing most with Lego Blocks or Lily with her dolls. Do I feel like a bitch complaining about all the lovely family my kids have who give them toys? Absolutely. (Another thing to feel guilty about, it’s great!). And yet, thinking about what I wanted to write for my next blog post, these thoughts kept inserting them, so I wanted to give them some room. I hope I find more inspiration for my May post. Until then, happy Easter recovery.