Autumn is sneaking up on us, and tomorrow it will already be the first of September. I can’t quite believe how this summer has raced past – and for the first time in a long time, I wish it were a little longer.

I love autumn, but this summer off work with the kids has been really great. Nothing much happened. We didn’t go on big travels, we didn’t tackle too many big projects (a few though), we didn’t even go on many outings. We were mostly home, meeting friends, playing, being bored, lazing in the sun and cosying up inside during the rain – of which there was plenty this summer.

Maybe it is the prolonged period of rain that helped to sustain me this summer so much better than the previous ones, perhaps it is also the fact that this was the first summer in a long time feeling like “time off”. When you’re on maternity leave, the summer break is simply your daily life in hot weather, but this year it meant for all of us to step away from our respective institutions to spend time at home together, hiking, doing s’mores, spending a night in a tent in the garden (that was my husband, I’m not sleeping in a tent, ever).

And now it is actually time to return to our everyday life, and as much as a part of me is dreading the end of this feeling of freedom, I also crave routine, as do the kids. Lily has been behaving very poorly in the last two weeks, and I think it is down to being both overwhelmed with the “projects” we do over summer, as well as bored from the lack of routine and play mates.

This autumn, Finn is starting kindergarten. Lily and he will share one year in kindergarten, before she goes to school. Just to clarify to international readers (welcome!), we live in Austria. Kindergarten here means institutions taking the kids from three to six before they go to school. Kindergartens also don’t have any frontal teaching, they are about play, fun and crafts.

In Austrian kindergartens, there is a settling in period for each new child. It can take between three days and three months (in extreme cases). In our kindergarten, it is mandatory that the parent stay with the child for at least three days before the first attempt at separation is undertaken. This is to foster trust between the child and kindergarten teachers and to ensure the child has enough time to adapt to the new surroundings.

With Lily, this settling in period took ages. She would cling to me every day and cry when I left. I was sitting in the kindergarten for about three weeks, then we took a break from it all for a week, before resuming the process. It took, however, until Christmas until we felt she was somewhat settled in. To this day, it has been difficult with her, to be honest, and there’s usually tears in the morning.

Given our first settling period with Lily was very challenging, I was eager to be calm and collected when it came to settling Finn into nursery (Lily didn’t attend nursery because I was home with Finn anyway). Finn in general is a very different child. He is very chill, barely ruffled by anything, and I predicted the settling-in would work like a charm.

And it did. After three days, we separated and it was no problem. Sometimes, he became weepy, but always flung himself into the arms of the teacher, instead of clinging to me. With that in mind, I hope his settling in period at kindergarten will also be easy.

Based on my experiences with my own children and the research I’ve been doing on the subject while going through these settling in periods, I’ve collected a few tips for parents currently in the throes of settling their child into an institution, may it be nursery, kindergarten or school.

1. Take Your Time (to prepare)

Bear in mind that your child will only settle in once into this institution in their life. If it is their first encounter with an institution and first separation from the parent, take even more time.

When the parents were summoned by the kindergarten teachers of Lily’s kindergarten, they told us to plan in about three weeks for the settling period. Some parents came with complaints about “I can’t do that”, “I’ve got to work”, “my child can do that faster”, etc. Honestly, I thought they were selfish. Yes, I don’t know these people’s situations, I don’t know what is going on in their lives, but I do know this. From the moment your child is born, you know when it’s time to go to the respective institution, so plan ahead. You are the adult, it is YOUR job to shovel time off to be fully present for your child, to give them the time to adjust and take it easy. It is YOUR job to arrange the settling-in in a way that gives you and your child space and time.

For you as the adult, it might be an inconvenience to take your vacation time for “settling in”, but your child will only settle in once, and especially for the first time, the success of such a settling-in is crucial. With every failed attempt, you and your child will lose confidence, and it will get harder. So take the time to accompany your child, pick them up earlier on the first days, and be present for them when they return and need “charging up” from you. Your child deserves it.

It is also YOUR job to prepare the settling-in in advance. Familiarise yourself (if possible) with the teachers, the daily ongoings, the plan for the first days. Preparation is key to a calmer and more relaxed start – which will make the transition go smoother.

2. Talk to the Teachers

The staff at your child’s institution, may it be kindergarten or school teachers, become part of the team raising your child. Treat them respectively. You deserve to have your say. Don’t abandon all sense of responsibility at the door and demand them to take charge of everything. Value their professional opinion, but take time to get to know them. If you don’t trust the staff taking care of your child, how can your child trust them?

Ideally, you have already spoken to most of the teachers beforehand and they have let you in on their settling-in plan. If that doesn’t happen, please ask yourself. Knowing what will happen will make both you and your child calmer.

If you feel the pace of the settling-in isn’t the right fit for your child, address the issue with the teachers in a respectful but firm manner. You know your child best, and they should value your input if they are interested in giving your child the best treatment.

However, also trust the teachers. The most important thing is to find an institution you are willing to trust. These teachers have gone through the process so many times, they should know what they do (but also know that, sadly, sometimes they can be incompetent or old-fashioned). Ask questions if you don’t understand the intention, but try to trust their process (and if you really don’t, you might consider changing institutions, maybe it’s just not the right fit for your family).

When Lily was struggling, we wanted to give up and I wrote an email to the head of kindergarten. She responded in a kind manner, respecting my choice, but also laying down why she thought we pull her prematurely and how she would benefit from continuing. In the end, we trusted her, Lily stayed, and she settled in much better.

3. Be Reflective of Your Own Emotions

Children can read our emotions very well, usually. While I was rather calm during Lily’s settling in, it was both our first time, and nerves were naturally fluttering. With Finn being the second (and me trusting HIM more in the process because I was a well-seasoned mother by the time), I was far calmer and took any upheavals in stride.

If you don’t like the teachers, your child is unlikely to like them. If you don’t like the institution, your child is less likely to feel comfortable there. If you are nervous, your child will be nervous. Going to a public institution is your child’s first big step into the world without you. It takes massive courage on their side, and they need an anchor, a safe space, so to speak, and that safe space is you.

If you are raising your children as a couple, also discuss who might be the better option for settling-in – it doesn’t have to be the mother in every case. My husband did a huge chunk of Lily’s settling-in because he is calmness personified. When I realised the failed attempts were making me nervous, he took over and it was good for everyone.

And if you’re still nervous, that’s OK, everyone is. Simply fake it till you make it.

4. Patience, Patience, Patience

Processes with children shouldn’t be rushed. Children need their time, as outlined in tip one. Yes, sometimes we want things to work out differently. Sometimes, we wish our child were like the other child who bounces off on day two. But in the end, our process works the way it does, and growing cranky and impatient doesn’t help.

Why did I write patience three times in the heading? First to emphasise it, but also to remind you to not only have patience with your child, but with everyone involved. The teachers, your child, your partner – and yourself. This time can be very testing for everyone, so take a deep breath and gather yourself. When you have set the right parameters: dug up enough time to let your child settle in; conversed with the teachers, reflected upon yourself, you can patiently wait for the dice to roll into place, even if it may take a little while longer.

Will that be hard with everyday life still flurrying around you? Heck yeah. That’s why good preparation is key. Learning about the institution, the teachers, the processes, your child’s responses.

And in my experience, I’ve often noted that the moment I leant back, took a breather and displayed patience, it suddenly became a lot easier.

I hope my insights can help you a little bit, or knowing that there’s other people out there who had a hard time settling in their child will take the pressure off. Please don’t despair if your child is one of the more cautious ones; you’re doing nothing wrong, they just need extra time, patience and attention – you’ve got it!

I wish all the parents going through settling in periods all the best! Happy start of term!