Recently an influencer I follow on Instagram was asked by a mum how to handle mum rage. The influencer responded, saying she should try taking a few deep breaths or counting to ten.

I felt my blood curl reading that response (ironically). The influencer did state that she didn’t experience mum rage herself, and I could tell from her answer.

I have mum rage, it’s one of my main parenting areas to work on, and I know that breathing deeply does NOT work when you’re in a rage. Taking a deep breath or counting to ten works when you’re mildly overstimulated or annoyed, but certainly not against the tidal wave of rage – at least not for me.

In this post I have collected a few tips that help me steer away from mum rage – however, please know, it still happens to me occasionally, so please don’t beat yourself up if it happens to you too. Us mums have to handle far too much in this world, and an irrational anger when you’re completely overwhelmed is very hard to handle. I hope these tips can help you to limit the number of outbursts. (Also, if you get physically violent with your rage, please see someone about this urgently).

Here is why breathing doesn’t work (and I say this as a trained yoga teacher, KNOWING about the magic of breathing). Picture this situation: You’ve come home from work, collected two tired, overstimulated children from kindergarten/school/nursery. You’re hungry, your head is aching, your stomach rumbling, you still have a million things to do – cook, do a load of laundry, tidy up, call your doctor, whatever it is. You’re running on four hours of sleep because it’s flu season and everyone’s sniffling, your kids are very clingy. Your older child sticks out their tongue to you, saying things like: If you don’t give me two sweeties I will hit you. Your younger one, meanwhile, is whinging for the thirtieth time today about some thing or other. You realise you didn’t drink enough water today, you feel parched.

“Mum, bring me water”, the older one demands. “I want to eat on the floor, I’m a dog”, your younger one wails.

“You can ask me nicely for water and, no, you cannot eat on the floor. We eat at the table”, you say, as patiently as possible. Your younger one screeches a loud, high-pitched, ear-splitting wail. The older one runs up to you, slams herself into you and shouts: “Let him eat on the floor if he wants to.”

Now you take a deep breath… aaaaannnnddd … nothing. Everything continues. The wailing, the screaming, the hunger, the budding headache. So you breathe again, but the auditory input is so much, the breath just fans your rising anger inside … aaaaannnndddd…

You explode. From one second to the next all patience is gone. Something wild is unleashed in your brain. You scream, you probably put the children in time-out, lock yourself in the bathroom, smash things around the kitchen, there is barely any access to this part of your brain but it feels GOOD to unleash the tension, the anger, the bitterness that has accumulated over the day. Woosh, unleashed in one massive tidal wave.

Then … the kids cry, they promise never to misbehave, you can see they’re scared. And you start feeling guilty. Shaming yourself for being like you. No other mums scream like you at their kids, right? You’re the worst possible mum there ever was, you tell yourself. And the worst? You promise yourself never to freak out like this again, knowing full well that you will.

Sounds familiar? Well, I’ve gone through these rage-guilt-promise rounds a good few times. Let’s look at a few reasons why this anger emerges and how we can tackle it long before it explodes – also knowing though that we’re only human and can only do so much.

Name the Right Emotion

When I started working on my anger issues, I realised that the predominant emotion I was feeling prior to an explosion, wasn’t anger. It was desperation. Desperate that I couldn’t get them to stop bickering, desperate that I couldn’t sleep properly, desperate that nothing seemed to work out. This rising feeling of desperation found its release in anger, in rage, often accompanied by tears. Knowing what the underlying emotion of your anger is, can help you to identify what you need to work on. Perhaps the emotion is really anger, but mostly anger is an outlet for another emotion, and, often, anger is an outlet for feeling out of control.

Once you know what your underlying emotion is (or have an inkling), you can try to write out what happened on that day – or tell yourself or someone, if that’s easier. You can also simply think about it, but I think it helps to put it down on paper, so it can find release from your mind. What were the circumstances? Where were you in your cycle? Is there a pattern between your cycle and the outbursts? Why were you feeling out of control? How many things happened before your outburst? and – very important – how many times did you already respond with patience and kindness before you unleashed the rage mum (give yourself some credit, too).

If your rage mum shows various times a day, you need to evaluate why you’re responding so strongly. Presumably your nervous system is overworked and overwhelmed, which can lead to irritability, short fuse and poor self-regulation. When you are constantly stressed and overwhelmed, you cannot function properly, and you have to address that issue to achieve long-lasting results (a post on ways to calm the nervous system will be up in October).

Give Yourself Moments During the Day to Charge Yourself

You might roll your eyes on this one. It’s been overused in social media to suggest to mums to “just chill out” – if only it were so easy. However, you should know that rage attacks, though feeling as if they come out of the blue, never do so. Anger builds up over the day, or weeks, probably a decade – often propped up by poor sleep and constant stress. You may, when you start observing yourself, realise how many times you were the patient parent you want to be prior to the outburst. You did a good job, until it was just one too many times.

One of the biggest counteractions I have taken against mum rage is noticing when I’m getting into the spot for rage. The earlier you sense you’re getting depleted, the better you can handle it. Instead of rolling with something, I now try to stop whatever bugs me BEFORE it completely enrages me. I intervene beforehand by either doing something where we can all release tension, like a dance party, or carving time for myself with a surprise screen time.

When my children have a bicker day, I suggest doing crafts at the table because I know they are both overstimulated and in need of mummy-time. This way everyone is in their own spot, we do something together, and, still, everyone can work by themselves. It doesn’t have to be fancy crafts. Some water colours, plain paper, maybe some stickers – they value the time with you more than the outcome of the craft.

Often, initiating an activity like that also gives you alone time, or time to do household chores and get a break from your children. Once they are settled and have filled their mummy cup, they often continue on their own for quite some time and I get up and do something else, or get my laptop and work next to them.

Create an Alter Ego Mum Who Won’t Take it Personally

This is a tip from one of my dear mum friends. She said when her daughter acts up, she pretends her child is not her daughter. Not in a you’re-no-daughter-of-mine kind of way, but in a I’m-not-your-mum-so-I-don’t-have-to-take-it-personally way. Often our kids’ behaviour enrages us because we take it personally (having created them, and all).

You might want to try pretending you’re their kindergarten teacher, or a patient mum you admire – or the mum you secretly wish you were. It might be acting at first, but your brain doesn’t know that. It will still start to regulate your emotions and lower the adrenaline. It doesn’t always work for me, but especially when I employ the trick early enough before my ragey brain insists this is stupid, it has helped me a lot.

Alter the Routine in Certain Phases If Necessary

Especially if you’re reading this as a mum, bear in mind that you have a monthly cycle. Our cycle and subsequent hormone adjustment to it means we have very different energy levels during certain times of the month (hello PMS!). Especially if you feel your cycle quite strongly, it makes sense to track it and plan your week accordingly – wherever possible. For example, limit play dates during the week before your period, schedule in more screen time, or a day with the grandparents, to give you some space.

Especially for women this world of always functioning is hard because we’re like the moon. Sometimes we’re full and round and illuminating, and sometimes we only have a sliver of the light at our disposal – but we are always precious and wonderful. Getting in tune with your cycle and your hormones can help you plan out your weeks better and be prepared for the time of month you want to withdraw.

Organisation is Key – and Control

In the beginning of this post, I wrote that I often confused my desperation for anger – or that the anger was fuelled by desperation. Desperation is often born out of a feeling of loss of control.

Of course we cannot control everything around us, but with a good weekly routine and organisation, we can at least tweak the odds in our favour. Knowing what you’re going to make for lunch every day of the week, knowing when the grandparents will take your kids, knowing when your partner will be away, or coming later from work, it helps feel safer and more in control.

When the day is well-planned, your children will most likely also feel much calmer and safer, which will increase their opportunities of cooperation. Children act out for many reasons, but a feeling of lack of control is often at the centre (fuelled by hunger, tiredness and overstimulation). When they know what will happen during the week, it’s easier for them too. We have a little planner for the children in the hallway where they can check which activities are on for the week (see below).

Especially if you experience mum rage almost on a daily basis, try to find out what sets it off. Maybe your week is too full for you and your children. Having “boring” days at home is very important for children. Time to unwind, get lost in their toys, just be at home.

Find Healthy Ways to Unleash Your Tension

One of the main issues I have with this “breathe it away” technique – apart from the fact that it doesn’t work – is the underlying notion that you should do away with the negative emotion as fast as possible. Just make it go away.

Strong emotions like anger and desperation, however, need a valve to release, otherwise they just simmer within you, destabilise your nervous system in the long run and cause tension in your body. You are allowed to feel angry. You are allowed to express your anger. The question is HOW?

Screaming at your children, dragging them into time-out whenever the rage hits, is not an ideal solution. But first, it is important to acknowledge that you are allowed the emotion. And you can communicate that to your children.

“Listen, I’m getting very upset right now. Please stop wailing and screaming. I feel I’m about to lose it. I don’t want to scream at you, so I will go to a different room now.”

They might run after you, which makes it so frustrating. Lock yourself in for two minutes if necessary, they can deal with that (age-dependent, of course). But be firm with your boundary. When you have removed yourself, press hard with your hands against a wall to release tension, you can also scream while doing this. Or scream into a pillow if you don’t want your kids to hear it.

Should locking yourself away for a moment not be an option, tune out the auditory stimulus. When I get into the spot of shouting, I put on my earphones, crank up a song I love and literally shake it off. I start dancing, explaining – without hearing myself – to my children what and why I am doing it. Sometimes the dancing breaks the ice and we all start to dance. Sometimes the children keep screaming, but because I cannot hear it anymore, my brain can slowly calm down.

When you feel your brain has released some of the emotion, you can take the headphones off and reconnect with your children – but they are less hurt by you explaining you need a minute and bounce off, than going full mum rage on them.

Find Specific Ways to Limit Certain Moves in Your Rage, like Physical Force

To preface this: I am strongly opposed to physical violence against children – or anybody, for that matter. Should you physically hurt your children by slapping, kicking or hitting them, please seek professional help immediately. However, I am not talking about these extreme physical forces. I mean things like grabbing your child’s wrist and dragging them to their room, pinching them with fingernails out of anger, or shoving them into a room for time-out.

I get it, sometimes it’s hard not to grab your child and put them away, but especially when you’re enraged, you might do things you later really regret. For such occasions, formulate an “emergency plan” in your brain. You know you will experience the mum explosion from time to time, it happens, but the physicality should be limited. If you tend to grab your child, formulate a sentence like “grab my own wrists when I’m enraged”, so you at least don’t hurt them physically. Going from full rage to never exploding again is highly unrealistic, it is easier to identify the worst thing you do during mum rage and work on that – then slowly work your way down.

Name Your Rage Mum and Talk to Her

This tip ties in with the alter ego tip.

My rage mum is called Linda. I don’t know why, it’s not even an aggressive name, but that’s just her name. It helps me to rationally talk to myself while also distancing myself from the rage mum, if that makes sense. I even say to my kids (who know who Linda is): “I’m getting really upset and I can feel Linda coming out, so I’ll shake it off for a moment or go to another room.

And I also talk to Linda myself. I try to soothe her, and often the ridiculousness of talking to Linda already gets me out of the anger spot. “Listen Linda, I know the kids are turds today, but I’m sure they’re also really tired and overwhelmed.” And then Linda gets to answer: “But they’re just sooooo infuriating, I want to scream at them.” “I know, Linda, but we both know we’ll feel guilty afterwards, so let’s see what else we can do.”

And so on and so forth. It’s a playful, reflective tool that can take the edge out of your anger, and distance yourself from the rage to find your footing again. You might feel silly doing it, but feeling silly is actually a good antidote to rage.

Understand that Sometimes You Have to Show Your Anger

I’m the last person to tell anyone they shouldn’t express their anger. Expressing anger is important, releasing it in some way, as suggested above, is necessary. And depending on your children and the day, you might have to freak out sometimes to get heard. Some children are very sensitive and being shouted at breaks their little hearts, but some children (and in some phases) need to really feel the boundary to know where it really ends. Insulting them, screaming at them or getting violent should always be off the table, but getting loud to get actually heard can sometimes be necessary to understand how you feel. Authenticity and some self-control are key, though.

Usually when I’m PMS-ing, the kids pick up on the mood and are particularly high-maintenance – just when I’m struggling with headaches, fatigue and pain in my back. I’ve had the experience that a little blow-up for everyone can be good once in a while to reset – and the next day is usually way better. We’re all in a better mood having released pent-up tension and anger, and the world is a kinder place again.

Forgiveness is Key

Whether you’re a shake-it-offer or want to talk to your rage mum, finding strategies to deal with the unavoidable (because saying “I’ll never do it again” just doesn’t work). This will also give you a feeling of agency and control, hence lowering the feeling of desperation.

To all the rage mums out there: I get it (believe me, I so do). You are trying your best, and you’re just human – so cut yourself some slack and give yourself credit for all the times you DIDN’T freak out and stayed calm. This is no free-pass to bad behaviour towards our children, but you need to understand that you can only give so much. Please demand support and help, start with small steps, and please forgive yourself – believe me, your children will, too.

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