“Mummy, can we play?”

I get this question a lot. Play dollhouse, do a puzzle, play mermaids, colour something in, play dump trucks (that’s my son asking), etc. etc.

I don’t know why, but often, this question causes me to squirm. Because, no, I actually don’t want to play a lot of the time, at least not in the moment of them asking. I have a chore list as long as the Chinese wall to work through, I am tired, perhaps overwhelmed and, let’s be honest, playing with toddlers can be mind-blowingly boring.

There is also a part in me that wants to encourage their independent play. My parents never played with us (as in Let’s Pretend, they did craft and play games with us), and I try to refrain from that as it’s frustrating to play Let’s Pretend when your child changes the rules every five second and you don’t get to decide anything about the game.

Some days, I feel like I just want my kids to play on their own all day, so I get time to myself, and then I feel guilty (sound familiar?) because why wouldn’t I play with them? What was the purpose of having them if not playing with them?

And this is the first point to consider. Parents have, historically, not played with their kids. However, they interacted a lot more with them, incorporated them in their daily lives and habits, particularly as there was no such thing as “maternity leave”. So, children were simply part of the community and tagged along with everyone, doing what the parents were doing. However, they also had a lot more play comrades, as people lived together much more communally, whereas now most children are by themselves (as in the only child) most of the days of their early childhood. In my blog post 8 Habits that Make Parenting Easier for Me, I also talk about incorporating my children in daily tasks more, and how it helps me with parenting in general. But that’s not “play” as in “Mummy, let’s play.”

Recently, my sister went to a mental health clinic and when I visited her, she told me about all those mind-soothing activities they were doing to become more mindful, slow down and soothe their nervous system. The activities were, for example, play dough, painting without the need to make the picture look “good”, musical therapy where they just experimented with instruments – no need to make it sound perfect, role play, sticker books, puzzles and colouring in books. I sat and listened, and realised that I can do all of these things with my kids every day. Just by playing with them.

Intrigued, I sat down the next day and did play dough with my kids for an hour. And not in the I’ll-just-ease-them-into-the-activity-and-then-go-do-laundry way, but really immersing myself into the activity. And I loved it. It was so relaxing to just play with the dough, make cookies and play dough snowmen, no need to make it pretty. The next day, we crafted even though HATE crafting because I’m pretty shit at it, but it was really nice to just do it together. While Lily and Finn continued, I eventually did get my own work out and we sat together in a pleasant, quiet work mode.

I have noticed when I fill my kids’ cups and take time for them, they ease much quicker into independent play afterwards. Sated, we can then all be by ourselves for a bit, and I love that. I do, however, think it’s important to set boundaries for yourself as the parent, too. When Lily for example demands I carry her around on my back or we go on all fours to play dogs, I will say, “Lily, I am too old to play that kind of game. I am going to hurt myself and don’t want that. I’d love to do a puzzle, though, or do Kinetic Sand” (very satisfying, that one). As a parent, you don’t have to do activities that you hate doing, but find some that you enjoy and that will actually help you find pockets of rest and calm during the day, too.

One winner is also lying down and just looking at books together. I get to rest, we get to snuggle (hello, oxytocin!) and the kids get some rest, too. Especially with Finn being between needing a midday nap and dropping it, this way to spend time together is very helpful.

The greatest thing about doing activities with kids is that there is no requirement for perfection. It’s really just for the sake of doing it, rather than achieving something, which is very relaxing and helps me be in the present. I feel like the key to inner joy is engaging in tasks merely for the love of it, not with a hidden (or obvious) agenda. The things I’ve always loved doing, I didn’t do for anyone but myself, but when I started thinking about how I could become successful with them, I stopped enjoying doing them. Playing with my kids is therefore a great way to reconnect with this part of me who just did something for fun.

Playing with your children can also unlock parts of your personality you might not have been in touch with yet. My husband is not what he would call “creative” or “outgoing”, and yet, when he plays dollhouse with our daughter or makes the soft toys talk, he suddenly develops insanely wonderful acting talent he never knew he had (neither did I, to be honest). But he could only show it in the privacy of the playroom where the quality of his performance doesn’t matter.

Meanwhile, my over-driven, super-fast brain that can never shut down, LOVES activities like play dough, Kinetic sand or colouring in. And sometimes I also like playing dollhouse and making up silly story lines Lily gets to frown upon. Try it, it’s actually great fun, and the laundry won’t run away – in fact, maybe after playing dollhouse, I can do it with my children.